I have found another object of distraction. It is another
article of clothing, which is very popular, stylish and, supposedly,
useful. I am not so sure if "useful" is an appropriate
and applicable adjective, but it is used by those who wear this
garment. Just as we all wonder how we survived without the telephone,
these people cannot imagine life without the infamous "tear-away"
I may be blinded to the real utility value of these debatably
modest garments because I simply cannot justify the use of these
more descriptively named "scare-away" pants. The snaps
that hold together the outer leg of these pants can fail. Scientific
consumer testing has shown that when a force, such as a fellow
student, pulls on the cuff of these garments, a breech of security
may occur. When this disastrous, yet not unpredictable, event
takes place a reddening of the facial features is inspired by
the giggles of one's hallway peers.
Before I am accused of being one-sided, I must state the positive
features of the tear-away track pant. Track and field competitors
find these items invaluable because of their "speed-of-removal"
value. Time is of the essence when a world-class marathon spontaneously
ignites on the streets of your town, or in a school hallway.
Vital seconds can be lost when trying to remove those clumsy
jeans. Since such an event could occur at any time, without any
prior warning, runners must be ready at all times to promptly
shed any extraneous articles of clothing in order to achieve
peak performance and speed in as little time as possible.
According to my calculations, though, there are exactly zero
marathon runners in my school. Nevertheless, more than half the
students in my class have been known to wear these snap-sided
pants. I am quite sure that none of them would dream of dropping
them to join a race. Like myself, few of them would even run
without serious consideration ahead of time, which would provide
more-than-adequate time for appropriate garb to be acquired.
Hmmm. Perhaps tear-away pants are good for ventilation on
very hot days. I would expect that a decent breeze could travel
through such airy apparel. That would be useful. Or maybe these
stylish trousers are for pilots who experience sudden air pressure
changes. It would be dreadful for regular airtight denim jeans
to balloon out when the surrounding air pressure drops.
Perhaps "tear-aways" are designed for those of us
who must walk through waist-deep water every day. The holes between
the snaps on each side would provide excellent drainage of any
resident water that may become trapped inside the pants after
fording a shallow body of water. Another good purpose is for
pure exercise. Those dignity-preserving metal snaps that trace
up the leg must be heavy. Yep! It's a new low-impact aerobic
So far, with the reasons listed above, I have accounted for
the use of tear-away pants in about three percent of those wearing
them. I don't understand it! There are very few reasons, that
in a public place, anyone needs to remove any articles of their
clothing so quickly! The temperature here is rarely above what
can be endured in normal pants. I don't know anyone who would
admit to needing rapid fluid removal through the openings in
the outside of the pant legs.
I just don't understand it. Until I find the real use of tear-away
pants, I will continue wearing denim jeans, if you don't mind.