During the disease's Second Stage, the condition of the victim
becomes reversed in the extreme; instead of avoiding knowledge,
the victim becomes crazed with the need to study constantly.
Their eyes appear glassy. They scribble unreadable notes on every
piece of paper in sight. They ask bizzare, learning-related questions
such as, "How in the heck do you graph the F of X?",
"Does anybody remember what the Lorenz Factor is?"
and "Is assonance' the practice of being asinine?".
This stage, it has been noticed, usually begins one or two days
before the related exam is scheduled to take place.
Stage Three, the brief, but terrifying phase of the illness,
during which the victim forgets most of what he or she has learned
in the past year, including the time that the exam is supposed
to start, is often observed in the hour or so before the test
During the exam, the condition reaches Stage Four, its deadliest
degree. It is in this phase that the notorious mental diarrhea
begins; that is, everything the victim has learned during their
entire lifetime suddenly spills out on to the page in front of
them in an unintelligible mess. This disgusting phenomenon usually
occurs somewhere in the exam's essay section. As well, the victim
will often experience a gross loss of feeling in their hindquarters
(especially during the English provincial), and writer's cramps.
Once the exam has been completed, the symptoms will disappear
as mysteriously as they began, but recoverees will often have
to deal with feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and foreboding doom,
("Man, I know I bombed the geology final. I wish I'd studied
harder; my mom is gonna KILL me!").
However, once the victim receives his or her exam score, realizes
he or she has done well enough to get in to college next year,
and what's more, will not have to repeat History 12 (i.e. has
not caused History 12 to repeat itself), the recovery process
will be complete.
As January midterms approach, students are predicted to begin
showing symptoms of this seasonally-linked disorder. If you believe
that you, or someone you know, has Final Examatosis, please rush
to the nearest study group, while there is still time!