Virtual Crap

Bishops College
St. John's, Newfoundland

By Jonathan M. (Grade 10)

It is a dark time for the human race, we have been duped by a megalo-maniacal super corporation in Japan known as Bandai (Bum bum bauuuummmmm!).

This huge empire has released a worthless little group of trinkets known as Tamagotchi (Ta maa goo chi). Which are plaguing the minds of our friends, our loved ones, our children! So I have decided to fight back!!!

Now I know what you're thinking.

"What a meanie, how can one man be so cruel?" But to tell you the truth, I don't care what you think, so clam up and pay attention! I've heard enough about these little devil spawns, so now it's open season.

First are the facts. These little toys cost around twenty-five dollars - not exactly bargain basement. Then they are supposed to become "The perfect companion, fun for the whole family...". What do you get instead? A stupid chunk of plastic that beeps and develops absolutely no personality. Come on, my bathtub has more depth then this!

What's even worse, they come equipped with a small alarm so when they wake up, you wake up. D'oh! This would not normally be so bad, if you don't mind getting up at 3:00 am. This problem is increased by the fact that not even Rip Van Winkle could sleep through the constant beeping that the little freaks make. For the love of God, it's worse than Rush Hour at Grand Central Station. It's always saying, feed me, play with me, love me, YEESH! I know this because my sister's best friend owns one, and its blasted alarm woke me up... and I sleep downstairs... with the door shut!

Anyhoo, we move back to the point about the depth of this "revolutionary item". As I was saying, these virtual pets go about as deep as a hole made when one digs his pinky finger into the ground. There whole life revolves around this simple chart

Weight (5 to 99 oz)
Happiness (0-4)
Hunger (0-4)

As you can plainly see, there is not much variety in their program. In fact the only variety comes in the form of the very few forms it can grow into. Instead of letting you picture this in your mind. You get to experience all of the hellish shame online.

As you can see, there is not this over-hyped piece of fodder. In fact there is so little, you can probably see all of these forms in a week, 7 days for 25 dollars, I pity the fool that pays that much for one week with the most repetitive toy ever.

There is a web page ( that gives you the full story, and the owner gives all the personality quirks, as he was an owner, since I am not, I must bid you adieu. So goodbye, and save your money for something worthwhile.

"Virtually new, virtually original, virtually stupid." -Jon

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