Mom and Infommercials
By: Allison B., Westgate CVI, Thunder Bay, ON

as seen on tv

I find my mother very humourous. A proverbial slave to infomercials, she believes what every cheesy has-been tells her to buy.

When mom’s in the mood for a workout she just hops aboard her Ab roller, Ab Master, Power Ab Trek, Bowflex, Nordik Trek, or Power Stepper 2000 (complete with video and tension elastics).

Boy, after such a workout she must get hungry. It’s a good thing she can remedy that with a nice, juicy roasted chicken, compliments of the Showtime Rotisserie BBQ Grill. Oh how my mother marvelled at the wondrous claim of “just set it and forget it!” despite the huge warning label on the grill that boldly announced “do not take set it and forget it literally”.

But hey, if chickens not on the agenda, Ma can always indulge in some tasty french-fries with the fantabulous Molonex Deep Frier, complete with a FREE Deluxe Baked Apple Maker and three different kinds of egg poachers. What a bargain!

Now, now, mom has bought some devices that actually lend a purpose. The Ronco food dehydrator boasts dried fruits, spices, flowers and meats in minutes! Everything from fruit roll-ups to beef jerky. And of course it’s been used for more than beef jerky...right? Right?

With all the food she’s whippin’up in minutes there’s bound to be left-overs. Why not wrap ‘em up the quick ‘n easy way with the Easy Wrap 1000. Then relax with a cup of Joe from either of her two coffee makers (no one in our house drinks coffee but she thought they might start).

After dinner why not settle in with a good book. Publisher’s Clearing House contests have nothing to do with her extensive library of books! (that when purchased could make you a winner) My mother is just dying to learn what the wonders of 1,2,3 ... Heloise can do for her. And what mother can live with out Carpentry Techniques or How to Paint Your House. And if the kids get sick, just have a peek in The Doctor’s Book of Home Remedies.

And, if do-it-yourself isn’t up your alley, why not try your hand at How To Make It Big Writing Books or The Ultimate Spy Book ... wait, what was that last one?

My mother has always been a tad ... musical. And what better way to channel that musical energy, than the complete Learn to Play Piano kit. Complete with video and cassette tape, only four easy payments of $22.95. If that doesn’t satisfy her musical cravings, she can swoon to the smooth sounds of the Platter’s Greatest Hits, or the complete works of Nana Miscouri (not available in stores.)

And another thing, who has time for those messy razors? When mom wants to remove that unsightly hair from her legs she does it the easy way with Alexandria’s Body Sugaring System. So quick and easy to use, you’ll want to do your whole body. For an even more permanent method, why not try the Home Electrolysis device. Nothing could be safer than injecting an electrical current into your skin with a needle — in the convenience of your own home!

Lets not forget those pesky household chores. Let OxyClean take care of the job with its bubbly goodness just waiting to attack your dirty tub, sink, oven, toilet, laundry, carpet, and poodle. To combat those annoying dust bunnies try the new Swifer Sweeper with its disposable Swifer cloths now available in econo-size!

My mother may be a overly zealous with her purchasing. She may believe them when they say “this is your last chance to order.” She may even order so much stuff that the mailman knows her by name. But she means well. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to order something before I miss out on the free gift.

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